how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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