I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
