Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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