i need an iv and a liver transplant
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
