And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
