How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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