i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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