Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He did a backflip because drugs
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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