the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
