it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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