Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
