She's JV to your varsity
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
