i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
