Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
