I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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