I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
