dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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