It's a beautiful day for a hangover
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
