My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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