i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
