Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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