One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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