I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
