i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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