Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
