his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
