Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
