i already hear my dad disowning me
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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