Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
