I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
