She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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