ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
