Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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