i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
