It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
