you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
