She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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