ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hippo gnu deer
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
