why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
