He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
