Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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