I want to make a zoo with you.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
