Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love having hate sex.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
