just tell him i said nine months
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
