the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
