there's paper in my vomit.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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