He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
