hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
