i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I smell like Dick and happiness
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
