It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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