the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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