Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
