Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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