don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
